Holla! I’m space playboy Jim Kirk, filling in on movie critic duties this week to talk about “Star Trek.” But not Shatner-Kirk who sold out for high-carb restaurant meals on Priceline’s dime. No, I’m young, collegiate, ripped-abs Kirk, here to tell it like it is and bring sexy back. It’s the future, but me and my gang of lil Enterprise buddies — especially young Uhura (yowza!) — still say things like “tell it like it is,” and “tell me something I don’t know.” We also listen to the Beasties’ “Ill Communication” — although if young Kirk here got to pick, we’d be listening to my man Kevin Federline’s album, “Popozao.”

You might have a hard time understanding my flow, but that’s just because I’m chewing on an apple while giving orders, downing a shot of space Jack Daniels with a chaser of space Budweiser, or because I’ve gotten into a precarious high-speed chase or battle sequence that ends with me clinging to the edge of a space-cliff or a multi-level space-platform. (Those happen a lot, but audiences have short attention spans and I’m sure they forget that a ledge-clinging scene just happened five minutes ago, right?) I might also be blinded by all the lens flares and random bands of diffracted light that show up on the screen. Geordi La Forge had the right idea with his crazy glasses.

Hell’s yeah, Kirk’s familiar with the Star Trek canon. It stinks like Ceti Eel crap compared to the work of J.J. Abrams - the brains behind “Felicity,” a story about a lovelorn girl and her undulating, chestnut tresses, “Alias” a story about a girl with nice cleavage who tried to figure out if she worked for the CIA, and “Lost,” a dank blend of green smoke, time travel and head trauma victims humping back and forth across jungle islands cocking guns at each other. Abrams ditched the old “Star Trek“‘s deep philosophical probings and firm, science-based projections of the future just as surely as he traded the U.S.S. Enterprise’s sliding colored doors for some see-through grocery store freezer section flaps! Instead of smart, but different alien life forms, our crew gets to knock the tar out of face-tattooed Sith lords, er, Romulans, who threaten us like the snarling, pointing cage-fighters on Ultimate Fighting Championship. Speaking of Ceti eels, those Romulan creeps got a hold of some! Only they call them Centurian worms. Whatever. Only a real neo-maxi-zoom-dweeby would notice the difference.

That’s right. This Kirk calls it like it is. Abrams had the stones to finally show me to be the kind of guy who signs up for one of the most mentally grueling leadership positions in the solar system — but who can’t resist getting in fights with rednecks when they imply he has sexual relations with sheep. The poindexters out there say that “Star Trek” was really a show that subverted the social conventions of the late 60s by painting a picture of how equality and peace on Earth could lead to mind-expanding space travel, while also being a show about the dynamics in a workplace, where Captain Kirk never had to lose his cool or be a bully, because he always set the example and earned his respect.

Talk about a snooze-fest! I’ve been waiting light years to see that egghead science trash out the hatch. Abrams’ “Star Trek” is all about time travel fueled by this funky lava lamp looking “red matter.” It’s almost as cool as the scene where Scottie falls into the ship’s huge, Super Mario-like water tubes and, because they have glass panels, we can see him getting sucked toward a blender! Or the blizzard-planet scene where they’re attacked by a huge animal with no fur or other means of keeping himself warm! Or where Vulcan is destroyed — visually, it swirls in on itself like a toilet — by a black hole that doesn’t destroy its onlookers!

I don’t really know how I’m going to fill the time in between “Lost“‘s scheduled ending next May and Abrams’ sequel, in 2011. It’s gonna be hella epic. Maybe this time, Uhura’ll let me show her my Centurian worm. Who needs science or storytelling? Fantasy for the win! J-Kizzle out!

The new Jim Kirk can be found crashing on a friend’s couch drinking Jolt.